Self esteem. Law. We hear these terms hit a lot these days. Especially when it comes to our children. Everyone from parents to teachers to elected officials is terrified of breaking our children’s delicate sense of identity. And what was the result?

We seem to have created a generation of children who:

• They are bad at accepting constructive criticism.
• Do not think that you need to change and grow.
• Has difficulty with the word “no”
• They have an inflated and unrealistic sense of their own talents.
• Feel entitled to frequent rewards and recognition.
• They have little sense of what it means to make an authentic contribution.
• They have little desire to push themselves beyond their comfort zones.
• They are very defensive and feel “I’m fine just the way I am.”

Let’s be clear on one thing: self-esteem, an unshakable sense of our own basic worth, is a critically important ingredient for healthy development. But what went wrong? Why is it that with all our efforts to raise children with high self-esteem, it seems that we have done the exact opposite? How come we have instead created a generation of kids (often referred to as “Generation Y”) who live in sheltered, delusional bubbles? Why is there so much talk of a “rights epidemic”?

It’s all about bread

The problem stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of pain: OUR misunderstanding, not our children’s.

Many (most?) of us were raised in shame. When we did something “wrong” or fell short of expectations, we were devalued. We may even have been openly insulted, insulted. We were given the message that there was something bad or worthy about us. As a result, we were emotionally wounded. We don’t want to do the same with our children. So we overcompensate by protecting them from pain.

But in fact, pain and shame are two different things. It is WE who have been unable to expose them.

When we hear the word “no,” when we see a “C-” instead of an “A+,” when we see a lost scoreboard in a ball game, we equate it with shame at the way we were raised. And so, in an effort to prevent our children from being hurt, we try to protect them from pain. But the pain is not what we should worry about; just shame

Because we don’t get that distinction, we shield our children from reality. We protect them from the truth. We would rather lie to our children than allow them to experience their own wonderful, priceless, and instructive pain!

What are some ways we protect our children?

• By telling them their work is “amazing,” even if it shows little effort or mastery.
• By eliminating most forms of performance rating or measurement
• Giving prizes and awards to all children to prevent someone from being branded a “loser”.
• Removing evaluative language from the classroom, the dance floor, and the playing field.
• By not correcting the flaws in our children’s performance in sports, the arts, or recreational skills.
• Blaming the teacher if our child receives less than perfect evaluations
• Giving “everyone a chance” to play or perform, even if they haven’t earned it.
• And so on…

Here is a funny poem on the subject.

Selfish Steam (by Andy Wolfendon)

I don’t know what it is for sure, this thing called Selfish Steam,

I know that protecting him is the ultimate plan for adults.

“You must not tell the boy that he failed his weekly spelling test.

You shouldn’t break the news, his pitch isn’t the best in the nation.

You must not tell the girl that she is not the champion, you will crush her dream.

In fact, don’t say anything to the children: you will crush their selfish vapor.”

“No, when we do a contest we will give a prize to EVERY child,

We will give beautiful trophies to EVERYONE who tries,

And when they run a race we will say that ALL are winners,

So EVERYONE can be the best, from experts to beginners.

And when the kids draw a picture, we’ll declare it ULTRA-LARGE!

Whether it’s the Mona Lisa or an eight.”

But if I get a trophy even though I haven’t scored,

And every effort, good or bad, receives the same reward,

Why should I try it? Why do the best I can? And this is what I can’t see:

If EVERYONE is special, what is so special about ME?

When I grow up, is there some crop I’ll be the cream of?

I probably don’t know much, but I’ll have tons of Selfish Steam!

Bread is our FRIEND

The truth is that by protecting our children from embarrassment, shame, criticism, judgment, disappointment, pain, in all its forms, we deprive them of a crucial opportunity to grow!

Pain is one of life’s best teachers. Pain is an ally, not an enemy. Pain is a sign that we have run into a limitation that needs to be transcended. Without that signal that bothers us, we do not transcend. We don’t get up. We do not become better than we were yesterday. We got stuck.

Today’s parenting model is about allowing children to stay stuck and feel good about it, rather than grow up.

Human beings do not grow by avoiding pain, but by assuming it, pushing it, rising above it. As parents, we have to understand that. We need to hug him.

Two simple solutions

If parents want to end the false self-esteem/entitlement epidemic, the solution is simple:

1. Must be completed with their OWN pasts. Parents need to heal their own wounds, instead of running from them. They need to stop living through their children and become whole and complete in themselves. Only then will they stop pampering their children (who really don’t need pampering at all).

2. They must teach their children to be lovers of the TRUTH. Parents should encourage their children to love the truth, even when it hurts. The truth is, not everyone can be a major league pitcher, a famous recording artist, or a movie star. Only by letting children experience the pain of discovering what they are NOT good at, will they discover what they ARE good at (their precious true design).

Parents have a crucial choice: they can avoid discomfort and allow their children to avoid it, OR they can approach it with gusto, seeing it as a teacher, a gift, a motivator.

It is NOT a question of love

Today’s parents are not inadequate, nor do we lack love for our children. We love our children and we are doing our best, given the way we were raised. It is a question of results: the results we are obtaining are not good. We have to correct our approach. We are harming our children by depriving them of experiencing discomfort and truth, life’s best teachers.

Pain can be met with tact, grace, and wisdom, in a way that doesn’t insult, demean, or deny anyone. And that’s what we as parents need to start doing!

Copyright 2007 — Michelle Rigg