Introduction
You might feel it when that hot stud across the room at the gym gives your lover “the over the top look.” You might experience it if your ex boyfriends ever cheated on you and then you project it onto your current man. Or he may experience it if he is in an “open relationship” and knows that his partner is “cheating.” Whatever its form, jealousy can take on many different faces and can kill your relationship if not handled properly. If you are the one afflicted with jealousy, it can torment and consume you, robbing you of all security and joy. If you’re the partner of a jealous lover, your frustration at having to “walk on eggshells” and constantly reassure your guy about your commitment to him can be maddening.
Jealousy is not bad in itself. It is a feeling and all our feelings are fine; it is what we do with them that can mean the difference between a smooth relationship and a stormy relationship. Jealousy can actually benefit your partner in its mildest form. But if it’s a pervasive, recurring theme that seems to dominate the climate of your relationship, it can sabotage your future together and cause a lot of hurt and hurt. This article will address some of the dynamics involved in jealousy and offer some tips for you and your partner to overcome and overcome it.
Jealousy and its causes
Jealousy can be defined as a feeling that stems from a perceived threat to your relationship. It almost always involves fear: fear of losing abandonment or losing your partner, fear of being replaced by someone else, fear of not being important enough and being excluded, etc. This significantly affects one’s self-esteem and leads to insecurity and the use of self-defeating behaviors to avoid these painful feelings and gain a sense of control (although it never really achieves that and creates vicious cycles of the same dysfunctional behavior over and over again). Counterproductive behaviors can include spying on your partner, becoming overly attached to him, constantly questioning his whereabouts and activities, among others.
What are the causes of jealousy? There are “internal” and “external” causes. Internal causes can include low self-esteem and confidence (believing one is unattractive or unworthy of being in a healthy relationship), a history of past experiences that created mistrust, and beliefs that one will be single forever if one loses one’s partner. External causes may include how the partner acts (expressing interest or flirting with another person) or the actual involvement of a third person in the relationship. “Factors that appear to affect susceptibility to jealousy include the length and stability of the relationship, the maturity, dependency, and level of self-esteem of individuals, their expectations of emotional gratification, and the perceived availability of alternatives to the primary relationship. (Neidig and Friedman, 1984).
Low levels of jealousy can actually be a positive for your relationship. It can be a sign that something is wrong between the two of you. It can help partners feel cared for and be an indication not to take each other for granted. It can also increase communication, commitment, and sexual intensity. “Jealousy becomes problematic when it is indirectly expressed, compulsively experienced, irrational, or leads to extreme levels of vigilance and control” (Neidig & Friedman, 1984).
The main consequence is that it also leads to a serious breakdown in the level of trust and intimacy between the two men, basic ingredients that are necessary for a healthy relationship to last. And the other paradoxical effect of jealousy is that it can create the very result that is feared and feared the most: the end of the relationship.
Tips to beat the beast of jealousy
If you are the one suffering from jealousy…
*Acknowledge your jealousy. Avoid minimizing or denying its existence. Recognize that you are not your jealousy, it is a part of you, an aspect of you that you can learn to manage. Admitting his power over you is the first step to conquering him.
*Identify the cause of your jealousy. What feelings are underneath your jealousy? Work on developing more effective ways to deal with these specific emotions.
*Keep a journal and write about your experience of jealousy and what it means to you. Ask yourself questions like:
Do I trust my partner and believe what he says?
Am I projecting my own problems and feelings onto him and blaming him? What is my jealousy really about?
·What hurts? What is missing in my life?
What are the consequences of my jealousy? What do I get out of it that may be perpetuating it?
Are my feelings of jealousy rational or irrational? Are they based more on real threats or insecurities?
*Identify jealousy triggers and avoid them or find ways to deal with them in healthy ways.
* Live in the present. Your partner is not your ex boyfriend. Learn to control your anger and mourn past losses and hurts.
* Refrain from obsessing and compulsively questioning your partner’s behavior. Control your own thoughts and always compare your motives and feelings with reality.
* Realize that you are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You create your own interpretations and perceptions of events and situations. Learn how to identify and challenge irrational thoughts and beliefs and develop affirmations or coaching, coping statements to write on index cards for reference to help you through difficult times.
*Practice relaxation techniques to help you cope with your anxiety.
*Make sure you have a separate life from your partner to reduce dependency and bring more fresh air to the relationship. Reach out to your friends, build your support system, and find social outlets that inspire a sense of fun and purpose.
*Build your self-esteem by taking safe risks that increase your confidence and allow you to see the strengths you possess.
If you are the partner of a jealous lover…
* Be patient and endure this difficult period. Understand how painful and difficult it is for your partner and empathize with and validate their feelings. Provide assurances of your love, but don’t allow their behavior.
*Take care of yourself. Practice good stress management for emotional well-being.
*Identify ways you could support your partner and show how you value them. Explore your own behavior to determine if you are reinforcing your lover’s jealousy in any way.
And finally, together as a couple…
*Identify if the jealousy is rooted in an underlying problem in your relationship. Missing? Is there an unmet need that requires your attention?
* Don’t make assumptions! Avoid mind reading and always check in on any feelings or thoughts you may have with each other.
*This is a great opportunity to open the channels of communication and see if new boundaries or “relationship rules” need to be renegotiated, created or removed.
*Make your relationship a #1 priority! Spend plenty of quality time together and engage in activities that will reinvigorate your bond and restore some of that damaged trust and intimacy.
conclusion
Jealousy does not have to rule your life. Commit to aggressively minimizing its influence so that more energy is available for your own self-care and to enrich your relationship. These are the things that really matter. So squash that bug before it has a chance to contaminate what you two have worked so hard to build. Turn that jealousy into passion for you and your partner and in no time you’ll stop hearing the evil whispers of Jealousy. You can do it!
*Reference: Neidig, Peter H. & Friedman, Dale H. (1984). Spousal Abuse: A Treatment Program for Couples. Champaign, IL: Research Press Company.
©2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski
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Certified Personal Life Coach Brian Rzepczynski is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a roadmap to find and build a lasting partnership with the right man.” To sign up for Gay Love Coach’s FREE newsletter, full of dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to view current coaching groups, shows and teleclasses, visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.
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