The holiday season is almost upon us. The snow begins to fall, the children get seasick, and families everywhere prepare to gather. Things can get pretty hectic. If you’re not careful, you may inadvertently have a Merry Christmas. To avoid falling into such an unfortunate situation, here is a guide to help you harness the Adultitis within him, ensuring a fully stressed season.

1. Wait to do all your Christmas shopping until Christmas Eve. It’s easier to make decisions about what to buy when everything is collected.

2. When decorating your home for the holidays, use Macy’s as a guide. Pay attention to details. Everyone will notice things like mismatched garlands. Your goal is to make Martha Stewart’s head explode; anything less than that is unacceptable.

3. Go to every Christmas party you’re invited to (even ones thrown by people you haven’t talked to since the party they threw last year) and send Christmas cards to everyone you know, including your mailman, the postman. from your spouse’s great-aunt. and the husband of her late third grade teacher. Then send cards to everyone in your zip code.

4. Remember, this year everyone’s Christmas success and happiness depends on you. Whether you’re throwing a holiday party for friends, co-workers, or just your immediate family, everything has to go perfectly. If not, you will be solely responsible for unalterably ruining Christmas for everyone.

5. Calculate your monthly income. Multiply that by three and use that as your holiday gift budget. Charge all purchases to your Discover card and plan to pay for everything at an indeterminate future date. When buying Christmas gifts for people, keep in mind that the amount you spend on the gift is a direct indicator of how much you love them.

6. Be sure to ask for the gift receipt for each gift you open. Then you can exchange all the things those inconsiderate jerks bought you for better things.

7. If uncontrollable events like traffic or weather conditions disrupt your vacation plans, allow yourself to complain, pout, and smoke for at least three days. And make sure everyone around you knows what an injustice this was.

8. Do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to believe in silly superstitions like Santa Claus or Christmas miracles or goodwill towards men. You are not a child, and this is not the cinema.

Bonus tip! Remember the real reason for the season: to buy your child the most popular toy (as decided by a famous talk show host). Extra credit goes to you if you can stage a heated fistfight with a like-minded parent.